I will write email sequences that convert

English only. (This is the most succinct answer in this FAQ. Hemingway would be so proud.)

Dang, I wish I owned one. But, owning a Buggati can't make your email copy capture your reader's attention in 0.014972s, or get your sales surging endlessly into oblivion, or turn your stubbornest sceptics into evangelical diehards who would scream from atop mountains to get the good word out.

Speaking of... if I may say... that... in fact... you *can* get something free out of me. Very likely, you're here not just because you're an awful copywriter, but also a horrible brand strategist. So put your pants on. 1-hour brand strategy call is on the house. *cracks knuckles* Let's get to work.

Can *I*. I mean, yes, I can. Need a welcome sequence? Running dry on newsletter topics? Prepping for a product launch campaign? Want to sell like hell with email? Spice up those boring-ass transactional emails? Just like a good neighbour, I got you covered (and I hope State Farm does, too).

Anyone can blast a few emails to your list and call it a strategy. But, it's so much more than that. With my help, you'll get a proven, data-backed email gameplan tailored to your niche, segmented and hyper-personalized to your buyer personas. The result? Soaring open rates and click-through rates.

It's like sending a secret Navy seal team into your competitors' base. I invest a painstaking amount of time identifying their value proposition strengths, ripping open their weak selling spots, and then leveraging all that to formulate a swoon-worthy positioning for your brand that opens wallets.

Rome wasn't built in a day. I block out at least 72 hours for each project — because wise ol' inspiration tickles my dura mater *usually* at the most bizarre times. If we were roommates, you'll see me hurtling out of my bed at 3am in the morning if that's when that royally kickass idea hits me.

Relax, I won't expect you to produce a grocery list of brand guidelines, positioning angles, competitor analyses, VOC data, and customer avatars. Just come to me with 1. something worth selling 2. people to sell it to. I'll strategize with you a banger approach to poise your big idea for success.

Most times, I sound like a geriatric grump who had his dentures stolen. Other times, I get so poetic as if I'm a reincarnation of Socrates. But whatever your vibe is, I chameleon into your brand's DNA to soak up the characteristics that make it a league of its own, and echo them through your copy.

Why? Did those figures make your bank account pack its bags, take a vow of silence, and go on a pilgrimage? If you still want me to sling you copy on a tight budget (even if it's just $100), send me a message beginning with "TIGHT!" I can make a special arrangement for you. One caveat: don't tell!